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Every one or two months, my ex-girlfriend sends me a message on facebook just to talk about what happened to her. It's mostly complains and how she messed this and that and how sad she is after that. She even talked about the guy she was dating ( now ex-boyfriend ) and how unsensitive he was and stuff, never there for her. 

I keep telling myself that I should just block her on facebook and never talk to her again. I'm always kind of mad whenever she comes and talk to me like that, like nothing ever happened. I've been with this woman for several years, I even lived with her in a small apartment for a while. We were still student at the time but I was planning to propose to her after graduating and finding a steady job. I really thought she was the love of my life and I would never find a woman like her.

But it all ended after one stupid mistake. One night, she went out to a party with her friends, she got drunk. So much that she can barely remember what happened. And this one night, she met some random guy and they just had sex like that. She didn't tell me that she had sex with another guy for two or three months. Actually, she never intended to tell me.

One day, she called me and asked to go to her mom's house to talk about something very important. She was waiting for me there, her eyes all red like she just cried. We went in the living room, sat on the couch and she grabbed my hands. She then said "I have slept with another man. I'm pregnant." I didn't know how to react. Actually, I didn't react at all. Everything went blank when I heard those words. Then she said "Say something, please !". And the only thing that came out of my mouth was "Let me think about it. I'm leaving.". And I left. I couldn't look at her in the eyes. I just left while hearing her crying. 

That was the last time I have seen her. For one week, we didn't talked to each other. No call, no message, no facebook etc... Until one night where she sent me a message "Hey, what's up ?". I didn't know what to say so I just replied "Nothing. And you ?". Her reply wasn't that much different "Nothing.". And then I just sent her a short message like that "Let's break up.". I waited like ten minutes before she sent her message "Ok. Good bye" and I replied "Good bye". And I broke down. I never cried that much in my whole life. I don't even know if I cried for one hour or several hours. I had a heartbreak and lost the woman I loved the most in my life. 

I was depressive for almost a year. I didn't want to do anything. Actually, I didn't know what to do. I have been with my ex-girlfriend for so long that she was a part of me. I would spend hours and hours talking with her about everything and nothing, playing games with her, eating with her, drinking with her... Well, living with her. For almost a year, I did nothing productive. Eventually, I kept thinking about my ex-girlfriend less and less, until I had a day without even thinking about her. I surprised myself and told to myself "I'm fine now". 

But then, one day, out of nowhere, several months ago, I received a message from my ex-girlfriend on facebook. I forgot I still had her in my friends list, even though I removed everything related to her on my facebook profile. She just sent me a message saying "Hey ! How are you doing ?" And blablabla, she told about her situation, her new job, how shitty the people she is working with are, her apartment, her mom being mean etc etc... She went on and on and on... It was a really long message. 

As I was reading this, I was like "Why ? Why would you like to talk to me ?". But then I remembered that she had severe depression and suicidal issues. Even though I was mad to read her message sent to me, I still thought she might need someone to talk to, just to relieve some of her stress and maybe make her a bit less depressive, something like that. 

When she was younger, she had been beaten quite often by her father, and her big sister was a bully towards her. The two of them were making her life a living hell. Whenever she would go home, her father and her sister were waiting for her to make her suffer. Her mother was a weak woman. She never said anything even though she knew everything and even had a glimpse at what happened to my ex-girlfriend. For years, my ex-girlfriend took everything without complaining and that's what gave her those depression issues. Then it all ended when her mother had enought courage to finally flee the house with my ex-girlfriend, leaving her now ex-husband and first daughter behind. 

My ex-girlfriend then began highschool far from her father and sister. It was like a new life. She was a bit shy but she made friends and even met her first boyfriend. Unfortunately, that boy was very abusive towards her. Always ordering to do this and that. At one time, he even tried to beat her in front of everyone in highschool, screaming and calling her names and all. Fortunately, some of her classmates protected my ex-girlfriend. He was suspended and she never saw him again. Still, my ex-girlfriend was shocked and went on depression again. She was telling me she thought of killing herself everyday, and that God must have hated her for being so weak ( she is catholic ). 

Then we met with each other on an MMORPG. She was still in depression at that time, and as for me, I had just broken up with my previous girlfriend. We were in the same guild and were doing PvE and PvP together. We played together, talked together and then we realized we were living in the same city. So we met in real life. We began to see each other more and more and we eventually started to go out together. We stayed together for several years, and sometimes, it was really hard to take care of her because of her depression issues. 

She would break down for small things like forgetting her keys in her car or even having her pasta overcooked. I had to be very patient and kind at those moment, hugging her and petting her head. Well, at night, in bed, she would often have nightmares and I would have to stay awake to cuddle her until she falls asleep or until she is finished talking about everything that makes her sad. I learned about her past like that. She once told me that I was the luckiest and happiest thing that she ever had in her life, thanking me for being that man who is always her for her. Her way of saying "I love you" felt very real to me, and whenever I told her "I love you." I really meant it. But in the end, we broke up for a stupid thing, and we forgot about our feelings for each other. I heard she got an aborption and that's it.

Several months ago, she had sent me this message talking about everything and nothing. And I had replied in the same way, trying to be kind to her and giving her advice on what I know or experienced. It seems like sending me a message from time to time makes her depression more manageable. The last messages I got from her are more positive. She found a new job, and she made new friends there. She began doing sports, to give herself more confidence. She is trying new things everyday. I see this as her fighting her depression that was eating her since childhood. I'm actually quite happy for her, even though I still want her to stop sending me those message. I still can't bear the thought that she had been with another man, even though she was just drunk. It still breaks my heart when I think about it. My life would have been totally different now if this incident never happened. Even though she had all those issues, she was the perfect woman, the love of my life, but I lost her. 

Today, I'm still not sure of what to do with my life. I only know that in the near future, I want to go on a trip in Asia. And for a long time, I have been single. Now, I want a girlfriend and even a wife if I can find one, but as shy as I am, and my job in Monaco, it's quite difficult to meet new people and start a relationship. Well, for now at least. I don't intend to stay more than one year in Monaco. 

And that's about it. I just wanted to write about my ex-girlfriend a bit. I don't hate her. I truly wish she will have a life full of happiness because I know she is a wonderful woman. She is weak, she has to be taken care of, but she is kind and funny. She will always help those in need and she has the most genuine smile I've ever seen in my life. She deserves happiness.
  • Listening to: Classic music
  • Watching: Sword Art Online
  • Playing: Chivalry
  • Eating: Hamburger
  • Drinking: Grape Juice and Water. D:
Hey ladies and gents ! D: It's been a long time since my last entry. è_é Well, I don't write that much entry though... So, I'm still working in Monaco at the moment and it's quite nice. I had some hard time but a lot of good time. My colleagues are great and kind, and also very fun. Overall, I'm quite happy with my work right now.

There's one thing that made me a little bit anxious though. One woman with who I work with has a perfume that is very very attractive. Every time I smell her scent, my heart gets tight and I can't help but feel embarassed. I told her that she had a nice perfume and tried to know what it was ( well I failed to do so, I'm no good with talking to beautiful ladies, and I'm still too embarassed to do it ). I have been thinking about it lately, trying to know why I like her scent so much, why I'm so obsessed about it, why I feel like that. I getting hot, embarassed, becoming shy and all. Well, I'm derping whenever I get close to her. 

Then it striked me just like that, while I was walking home. She has the same scent as the person with whom I had my first sexual experience. Well, not exactly the same scent, but close enough to be that powerful on me and making me look like a phoquing derpy idiot.

Well, I didn't get to talk much about my first sexual experience. It's kind of a secret night... But it's been eight years now so I'll tell you about it because phoque everything and I want to empty my thoughts and memories somewhere. 

I was 18, single, broke up a few months ago and didn't feel like going out with someone. It was on New Year's Eve and I was alone at home. Friends were on holidays and parents were working ( restaurant on New Year's Eve always busy ). So I spent most of the night on internet doing whatever, I don't remember. Then I opened MSN ( yes MSN, it's old ), and a girl started a conversation with me and said "Hey ! How are you ?". She was the girlfriend of a friend of mine. We met just once and we added each other on MSN for whatever reason it was. She was the same age as me. By that time, it must have been 9 PM or something, and we had small talk.

We were both lonely at New Year's Eve. Her boyfriend was with his family and her friends were also busy with something else. Her family was out having diner somewhere and she didn't feel like going with them. Like me, she was lonely at home. Well, she could have gone with her family if she didn't want to be lonely. But whatever, the thing is she was alone at home and me too. So I jokingly said "Come to my place and watch TV all night !" and she answered "Yes, where do you live ?". I told her where I lived and then we agreed to be good-looking with nice clothes, the hair done well and all. It was also the first time I put some perfume on me ! It made me feel good.

Then she came by subway, I got out to get her and we went to my house like casual friends having small talk about how crowded the subway and buses were. It was like 11 PM at that time. Then we arrived at my house and entered, we just threw our coat and bags on some chairs and sat on the couch watching some random TV show celebrating new year. We drank water and ate some cookies while watching TV ( no alcohol involved ). Then without realizing it, she had her head on my shoulder and was holding my arm. When I realized it, I got a bit surprised but didn't move. Well, I couldn't move because I was too shy. And I looked at her for a moment and smell her scent. I loved it, a lot. It was very arousing. I wanted smell her more, but as shy as I was, I couldn't move.

Then 12 AM came and on TV, people were happy and smiling and all. The girl just looked at me and said "Happy new year" with a little smile and kissed me on the cheek. And I replied with a small "Happy new year" and kissed her on her forehead. And then she told me she was sleepy and I jokingly said "I'm sleepy too ! Let's share my bed !" and she answered "OK". When she said OK, I stopped thinking. I just said "Let's share a bed" and she said "OK". We didn't know each other that much. She was the girlfriend of a friend of mine. We were silent for maybe ten seconds and then I replied "OK, let's go !". I turned off the TV and we went upstairs into my bedroom. 

The first thing she's done after entering my room was going straight to my bed, sat on it, removed her socks, her skirt and then just lied on the bed and went under the blanket. All that in under 30 seconds. Then she looked at me and said with a little grin "Turn the lights off and come on." and I just obeyed like a puppy and turned the lights off and joined her. Like her, I removed my socks, my jeans etc. I only had a white shirt on me and a boxer. She also only had a small black shirt on her and her panties on. 

There was only the street light in the room, but it was enough to see each other. It was a small bed, for one person only, so we were really close to each other, sharing the same pillow. I could see her face really well from there and was also overwhelmed with her scent. I wanted to get on top of her and smell her body all over, but I controlled myself. Or more like "I didn't want to look like a crazy pervert". We had small talks about how school was, what we want to do after highschool, how she met her boyfriend, why I'm single, if I'm in love with someone, if she loves her boyfriend or not. When I asked if she loved her boyfriend, she said "I don't know". We paused for a moment and continued on talking about everything and nothing. While we were talking, we were touching each other. I was caressing her hair, arms and neck. She was touching my arm and my chest. Then I said "I like your scent" and she answered "I like your scent too" and kissed me on the cheek. I kissed her on the cheek too and then very close to her lips. And she kissed me on the lips. 

We then shared a deep kiss. I don't know how long we shared that kiss but it was amazing. While doing that, we were touching our body all other. I undid her shirt and she undid mine. I tried to undo her bra, but failed to do so. She laughed a bit and she undid it herself. We threw our clothes on the ground and continue to kiss and touch each other. Her breast wasn't big, but it was very soft. I plunged my head between her breast and suck on it. She was holding my head with her two arms and was breathing deeply. Then she put her hand in my boxer and started caressing me gently, like she was scared to hurt me. 

I myself put my hand in her panties. I didn't know where to go though. She hold my hand and put it where it should be and she said "There, it's good." And we were touching each other while kissing. Then she removed her panties and I removed my boxer. We were completely naked under the blanket. We kissed and touch for awhile before I got on top of her. I looked at her and she made a small nod. I kissed her on the lips, I went between her legs and there again, I didn't know where to go. She took it in her hand and pointed it where it should be pointed and said "There". And I went there and was surprised she was a virgin too. She made a small cry and some tears were showing up. I must have made a very worried face while looking at her because she said "Continue, it's fine" and put her arms around me. 

And... it sucked. Well, the first time sucked. I got limp after a few minutes and I had to take a break. She said that everything was fine and she asked me if she could take a shower. She took a quick shower and then I took one too, thinking about how stupid I must have looked. Then, after my shower, I went to my bedroom with the lights turned off. She was waiting for me in my bed. I joined her and I was overwhelmed with her scent once again. She had put on some perfume again and was very arousing. I got hard in no time and started to touch and kiss each other again. Then I got on top of her and she showed me once again where to go. And it was far better and she seemed to enjoy it too. As I was moving on top of her, I could smell her all over. It made me very excited. Then, as I was reaching my limit ( like three minutes, literally ) I pulled it out and it went on her belly. She seemed a bit disappointed and said "I take the pills". 

After taking a bit of a break while kissing and touching each other, when I was ready, I went on top again, she showed me where to go and we went at it for a third time. I lasted a few minutes longer and it was amazing. She moaned a lot, and her hugging was getting tighter. And then I came in her. We kissed for a very long time after that and hugging each other. Then she told me "I have to go home" and I said "OK". It was 2 AM. It felt like much longer but our night didn't last that long.

We put on our clothes in silence. We then put on our coats and bags and went out for the bus stop ( buses would ride all night for New Year's Eve ). We didn't talk while walking. Just "Here" and "There" for the direction. We arrived at the bus stop and stay silenced for a few minutes before the bus arrived. It was cold and it wasn't snowing. Then the bus arrived and she said "Goodbye" and I replied with a "Goodbye" and waving a bit with my hand. She got in the bus and left like that. I walked home slowly, thinking about what we have done that night. 

Some thoughts like "I didn't have a condom", "She has a boyfriend", "Why did it happen ?", "What if she tells her boyfriend about it ?", "Will I get sick or will she get sick ?", "I wonder what her boyfriend will say if he knows it", "It was her first time too". Etc etc... I couldn't sleep in my bed that night. Her scent was all over my bed, and I couldn't stop thinking about her. 

I don't think I fell in love with her even though I kept thinking about her for a while. We saw each other a few times after that night, with friends meeting after school or at the bar the weekend. We didn't talk much though. We just said "Hi ! How are you ?" and that's it. She was always with her boyfriend when I saw her, and I couldn't have the courage to go and talk to her. I was too shy. It was way too embarassing and I was also scared to accidentaly said "I slept with her, it was amazing !". And she didn't look at me much. And as time passes, I saw her less and less. Seems like she broke up with her boyfriend at some point in time. Even on MSN, she wasn't online anymore ( well, I didn't talk to her on MSN, ever, after that night, even though she was online ).

Even though I didn't fall in love with her, I still think sometime about "What if...". What if I had told her to stay all night ? What if I had just asked her to go on a date with me ? What if I had gone and talked to her casually ? What if she was actually the love of my life and I lost her forever ?

It's been eight years now. Thinking about her makes me happy because it was really an amazing experience but it also makes me sad because I may have missed the love of my life. And having a lady with the same scent as this girl at work doesn't help at all.

Those are good and sad memories of my life and I felt like sharing with you even though it's boring. X]
  • Listening to: Kalafina
  • Reading: Ubel Blatt
  • Watching: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure
  • Playing: RPG Maker games
  • Eating: Cakes
  • Drinking: Orange Juice and Water. D:
So, I got a new job a few weeks ago with my father. :3 We are now working in a luxury restaurant in Monaco, my father in the kitchen and me in the front of the house. D: It's kind of new for both of us because we never worked in these super high standing restaurant ever. D: It's super expensive with lots of expensive ingredients (4000 euros a kilogram of something I don't even know the name, no joke), expensive cutlery (all silver ! real silver ! It's like 20 euros a single spoon !), expensive glasses (wtf a 150 euros wine glass), expensive walls (all marble), super detailed service sequencies (How to say "Hi" and how to say "Good bye") and stuff (mostly expensive stuff). We have to be extra precise to do our job correctly. It was quite hard in the beginning but I'm getting used to it now and I'm enjoying it now and I'm learning a lot. :3 And also, I'm eating for free the expensive stuff. D: Lobsters that are something like 500 euros a kilogram, I'm eating those kind of things everyday. X] Delicious. D: I'm also getting fat real fast.

My new job is really demanding though. I have to get up early and I'm coming back home not that late at night, but I'm exhausted. No more energy to draw something. I'm sorry. X] 

I think I won't be able to make any new announcement or new drawings for a while. At least a month or two. Getting used to Monaco and all the surrounding is really difficult. Moreover, the people there aren't that nice. Only the people I'm working with are helping me. All the others are like "Don't bother me !". D: I'm just asking for direction, you ugly old b*tch. D: Quite stressful. è_é

That's all for Monaco !

Also, I want to thank :iconanotsu1er: for giving me a Premium Membership. X] Really, thank you ! It means a lot, but I won't be able to fully use it now with my new job. It's really sad, sorry. Still, I really like it and that's the first time someone is giving me a Premium Membership. Thanks again !

And that's it ! \o/ I'll be back in a while !
  • Listening to: Love Live School Idol Project
  • Reading: Inferno - Dan Brown
  • Watching: Love Live School Idol Project D:
  • Playing: RPG Maker games
  • Eating: Expensive Luxury Stuff for Free, yay ! D:
  • Drinking: Water. D:
1. For each of the 5 first people answering this journal, I will put their avatar and the 3 deviations I like most from their gallery on the list!
2. If you're featured, you have to do the same in your journal, putting the tagger on the first place. The idea of this is not to get a free feature, it is to spread art around for everyone!

Got this "Get featured!" from :iconvonstreff:
Play this Visual Novel. D:
It's about a romantic story about boys and girls who have a disability. D:
It's cute and all. It's just awesome. D:

Here, a link to the website: www.katawa-shoujo.com
Vacation! Yay! Have a challenge! Yay! 100 Themes Art Challenge! Yay!
List taken from here: 100themes.ihousha.net/main.htm…

1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence ----------------- daheji.deviantart.com/art/Inno…
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers ----------------- daheji.deviantart.com/art/Flow…
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned ----------------- daheji.deviantart.com/art/Aban…
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67% ----------------- daheji.deviantart.com/art/67-p…
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper ----------------- daheji.deviantart.com/art/Pen-…
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation